Growing Up, and the Strange Clarity it Brings

As children, most can't wait to grow up. There is so much independence and excitement associated with becoming an adult. Getting your driver's license. Dating. Getting a job. Graduating from high school, and after that, college. Moving out. Getting married. Having families. Too many kids are in a hurry to grow up.

I was among them for the longest time. But things have changed the closer I have gotten to all of these things. Getting my driver's license. Going on my first date with the boy of my dreams (or so I thought). Getting a job to pay for that oh so expensive orchestra tour. The excitement remains; the day I got my license, a part of me panicked, and the other part jumped for joy because of my first sliver of freedom.

Now, as I fill out college applications, get acceptance letters, apply for financial aid and scholarships, and buy my cap and gown, I realize how close I am to having to make the decisions of an adult. Compared to how I was a year and a half ago, I am nearly completely independent. If I need something, I drive myself to the store and pay for it with the money I earn. It's surprising how quickly one adjusts to these new experiences. I drive a car now as if I have been doing it my whole life. 

It's incredibly exhilarating, but is it really all that it is cracked up to be? That I don't know. I'm not quite to that point. But really, what is so glamorous about moving out and moving on? Why do kids look forward to it so much? 

I was never the kid who wanted to move away from home. I have always had a fantastic relationship with my parents, so moving out seemed heartbreaking when I was younger. However, as I have gotten more and more independence, I understand the want to get away from home. I crave adventure. I want to meet new people. I love the people I know now, but when you spend either six or thirteen years of your life with the same people, the need to meet new people is understandable. I want to try living on my own for a while. I want to live in a new place. I want to find myself. I want to fall in love with someone, and start a family eventually. I want to live my own life. 

But for now, despite the push to make so many decisions, and to grow up so quickly, I am going to hold onto what I have left of my childhood. I am going to go to every possible football, basketball, soccer, and lacrosse game that I can. When Christmas rolls around, I am going to participate in the activities they provide to support the charity. I am going to go to the school dances.  I am going to remember and cherish those silly moments in the hallways with the people whom I love. And dang it, I'm going to enjoy those horrible school lunches (as much as I can at least).

I only have so many of these moments left, so why waste them?

Cherish the moments you have now, as horrible as they may seem now. Don't dread school; look forward to it. You'll learn some of the most valuable things in those seemingly meaningless classes, and I don't mean what is in the curriculum. When the teacher goes off on a tangent, listen. You never know what kind of advice they will give you. No matter who it is, listen to your classmates when they talk to you, no matter how much you may detest them. Try your best to feel grateful for that minimum wage job you have. You will value the skills you learned, and the people you met, later down the road. When someone asks you on a date, don't turn them down; you never know how much you may come to care about that person. Don't start dating too early. As fun as dating may be, there is a certain heartbreak associated with it as well. Don't date someone just to say you did. When you get your license, be safe and be independent, but still give your parents the opportunity to drive you places, too. After all, you're still their child. Go to school dances. Dance and sing as if no one is watching. Do what you love, no matter who judges you for it. Respect your elders, especially your parents. When you move away, you'll be surprised by how much you miss them, and how much you wish you would have listened to them better. Hang out with your siblings; they'll miss you more than anyone else. 

Growing up has taught me what is important in life. In the long run, is whether or not I went to Prom going to be a big deal? No. But one has to live in the moment. Don't live in the past or the future. You can't see the future, nor can you change the past. So why not just live in the present? Why not cherish what is going on now? You have all of your life to be an adult. Enjoy and cherish what you have now.

Don't grow up too fast.

Thoughts On My Childhood

The more I think about it, the more I realize that when I was younger, I was much too concerned with those around me.

I worried too much about what other people thought of me.

I responded negatively to peer pressure. For this reason, I lost a dear friend who I was lucky enough to reconnect with after elementary school. 

I was too influenced by what those around me said. 

I never wanted to be popular. Never was. And never will be.

I still wanted to fit in though. I conformed to those around me. My friends were fans of Taylor Swift, so I insisted on being a fan as well. They all were in dance, so I wanted to be, too. My friends were all a different religion than me. Every single one of them. They all shared something that I couldn't connect with. I wanted to feel like I fit in with them. Wanted to feel apart of those meetings they were constantly talking about. 

However, once I left elementary school, I realized that that was not who I really was. 

I was, and am, a girl who loves reading. A girl who loves playing an instrument. A girl who doesn't want to fit in with the "popular kids." A girl who doesn't care what others think of her.  A girl who doesn't mind being an orchestra nerd. A girl who has two left feet and was never destined to dance gracefully. A girl who doesn't mind being the quietest in the class. The girl who hates group projects because she's not the most sociable person with those she doesn't know well. A girl who likes One Direction. A girl who surrounds herself with those she truly can be herself with. A girl who doesn't care who sees her writing creatively. A girl who doesn't like watching T.V. all day long. A girl who tries to think about the world around her. A girl who hates conflict among people. A girl who wants equality, whether throughout the world, or just within her school. A girl who strives to be confident in who she is. 

It hasn't always been this way. It's taken years for me to come out of my shell. To feel confident. 

And the people around me are constantly trying to change me. 

My school has a focus on sports. If you aren't apart of a sport, it's like you don't exist. It's not that I want that recognition for myself, I want it for the people and groups that I know deserve recognition. For instance, several members of the Chamber Orchestra got to go to regional solo and ensemble. Several even made it to state after that. But when the school recognized those who made it to state, there was no mention of them. Later on, Chamber was recognized for making it to state as a group. I was so proud of them when I found out about that. But it made me wonder, why weren't the individuals recognized?

I have been told that I should try out for the volleyball team on several occasions. While I have considered it, I ultimately ruled it out. The competition is not apart of who I am. I love the game, but not the competition.

I guess that's what growing up has taught me. 

I don't have to conform to the standards that my peers and society sets for me. I can have my own values, my own interests, my own frame of mind. 

I can be my own person. We all can. 

Just because we are expected to conform to the beliefs and values of everyone else, doesn't mean we have to.

I want all of you to try to work toward this goal with me. Be an individual. Don't allow society to decide who you are. Choose it for yourself.